Parenting on a period 101

Imagine me, aimlessly skipping through life, skating with Dogs, the lot. Saying moronic things like “I don’t really get period symptoms, maybe I get a bit weepy” …… Idiot.

Well no one tells you that Mother Nature (Bitch nature) is storing up all those symptoms until after you’ve had kids, because obviously you’ll be so much better equipped to handle them when you’re already a wreck of the person you once was and you’re trying to figure out if you’re even a person at all…or just a bag of cells that belong to everyone else.

So that was me, an idiot…without a care in the world.
Now I have about 3 weeks of symptoms and a week of bleeding. Joy! (sorry to all the fellas reading this, but this shiz is real).

Week 1 – Stomach ache, not just stomach ache, more like eat something then run straight to the loo…. brilliant. Good job I don’t have public toilet fear anymore. (Note. Cutting out diary has actually reduced this loads tbh).

Week 2 – Floods of Tears, tears of joy (ugly sobs of joy). Tears of sadness (ugly sobs of sadness). Tears of frustration (ugly sobs…. you get the idea). Everything makes me cry EVERYTHING!

Week 3 – Annoyance. I walk around huffing at things…. actually huffing, I will huff at someone huffing, that’s how annoyed I am.
The worse thing I do is get totally annoyed at all the love my son (my gorgeous 3-year-old son) showers on me.
My son never took to any sort of comforter we tried; no dummy, no blanket, no cuddly toy, not Sophie the pesky giraffe. Nothing, and we tried everything…. often.
His comforter is… my forehead.
Just mine, he’ll make do with someone else’s forehead if we’re not in the same house, but if he can smell me near then its my head he wants.
He strokes it goodbye when I go to work, he strokes it when we watch telly (we watch a lot, I am a lazy parent), if he’s sad…he strokes my head, If he’s hurt his arm, he puts it on my magic head.
it’s sweet, its gorgeous, its beautiful and once a month for around a week it drives me mad. When he falls asleep stroking my forehead; I grind my teeth to tatters, I’ve even been known to flick his hand away (I immediately hate myself for it).
This is the worse stage for me, because its so stupid, its ungrateful of me but I can’t help it.

Week 4 – Bleeding. This is fine, it’s a relief to be honest and since I got some WUKA’s (google them they are life changing) I barely notice the inconvenience of it.

Anyway, that’s my little rant on parenting on a period, there’s more I know. I’m sure I’m not the only person who struggles, I know I’m not, and I didn’t even get in to the anxiety; because honestly its still too big of an issue for me to write about yet.

Basically, periods suck… They SUCK!!!!

(written smack bang in week 3)

Seriously brain….SERIOUSLY!

I started to really miss being on holiday about 4 days in to my holiday. Bare with me, I’ll explain.

It took me at least 2 days to settle in to our location and shake the holiday anxiety (still working on that piece). Day 3 I started to relax and enjoy it, I also stopped feeling guilty about letting/encouraging Grandparents and an Aunt to take on a fair amount of my parenting (thank you by the way x). So by day 4 I realised I would have to go home again..in 3 days no less. That’s when my brain really decided to betray me (for the purposes of the rest of this article my brain is represented as a completely separate entity).

Here’s a little list of some (by no means all) of the thoughts I had while on holiday. I hope the house is OK -I’m sure we’ve all had this thought but seriously WTF brain. Unless it’s somehow burnt to the ground or been burgled the house (inanimate object) is ok. I didn’t leave any teenagers in it, I don’t have a cat and my Mother lives around the corner, and said she would pop in and mow the lawn (thanks Mum).

The House is actually probably in better shape than it would be if we were in it. I have sooooo much washing to do -related ideas Maybe I can reduce the amount of Clothes everyone is wearing, ie. extended PJ time Is there a washing machine here (I actually considered doing washing on holiday!)

Do I have enough carrier bags for the dirty stuff so it doesn’t scruff up the clean stuff? (note. There was no clean stuff).

I don’t want to go back to work. – Again this is one for all. For me this always goes back to feeling like I have too many things sitting in my brain, and being on holiday allowed me to let one thing go. It’s worth mentioning that my job is beyond cushdy really. I like my Boss, get paid reasonably well and have an element of flexitime. It’s just that now I have a kid i miss him and I feel bad that I don’t get to enjoy him. He’s not at School yet and I wish I was there to do all the fun preschool stuff without being grumpy because i’m fried from work.

I forgot to write my anxiety piece for my blog. -Seriously brain….SERIOUSLY! Its my blog, I have no deadlines, barely any followers and I am purely writing it for me and you add this to the list of worries. F*#$ you brain.

Anyway I’m home now and honestly it’s taken me until today to settle back in. One of my friends text me to ask if I had a good holiday and my first thought was “Oh I have friends that I have to stay on top of too”. I had become so focused on work and to do lists that I totally forgot that these things are such a small part of my life. My life is so much bigger and full of family and friends and I am so lucky. Moral of the story? Relax when you’re on holiday, relax when you’re at home, just relax.

Things they should invent that I would buy

I struggled for inspiration for what to write about this week so i have combined 2 of my favourite things and constructed some lists about inventions that absolutely should exist (I love a list)

Things they should invent that I would buy

  • A sofa curtain/crumb catcher – who is really moving the couch out the way every time….not me!
  • A sofa insert/crumb catcher….see above but for under the cushions….I never find money in the sofa only food…mainly coco pops.
  • Self cleaning floors – I think this speaks for itself…also be prepared for mainly cleaning avoidance based inventions as I was sat in my house while writing.
  • An app that allows me to take pictures of cluttered areas and it will tell me where the f**k to start.
  • A cafetiere that eats the coffee grounds when they have been left in the pot
  • An insta sleep for my 3 year old
  • A magic toy box- see Mary Poppins bag
  • A warm milk dispenser – I know there are formula machines out there. I need a vending machine that provides perfect temperature (this is whatever my 3 year old decides at the time) whole milk with a few dashes of water; served in the only bottle he will use,  on demand…it will also sometimes have to buy the milk…as I forgot.

 

What I think my fella would buy

 

  • Robot gardener
  • Quiet bubble (that he could hide in and have a nap/read)
  • A never ending Book either by Wilber Smith or bernard Cornwell
  • Also an instant sleep for our son
  • A mobile air conditioning unit, that is invisible and weightless
  • Shorts that look like Jeans/trousers (maybe a hologram projects the rest i don’t know no one has invented them)
  • A transporter (He does not travel well)
  • An app that comes up witty replies if he can’t think of one in time

 

What i think my son would buy

 

  • A dinosaur
  • A never ending chocolate provider
  • An instant warm milk dispense (We are agreed on this one)
  • A clone of me, so he can stroke/poke my forehead “because it’s warm Mummy” even when I am not there
  • That one…that one…that one (any toy that has been seen/glimpsed no matter how brief)
  • A pill that he could take so that he would never have to do another poo (*note I once had to pretend to be a poo asking permission to come out of my sons bum so that he could do the poo….I didn’t know what voice I would use for a poo until that very day….I did Mr Hanky…..from South Park…parenting is FUN!)

 

And i think that is a great place to end my lists.

 

Just for fun this is the list my fella made

 

  • Robot gardener
  • The shower unit thing from The Girl From Tommorow
  • Clothes that fit automatically Back to the Future 2 style but also have air conditioning in them
  • Which brings me to Hover board obviously
  • Rat repellent that means you are never nearer to a rat than a mile
  • teleporter with zero risk of becoming half fly
  • Hammock rooms and for them to become standard in restaurants
  • A coffee plunger thing that cleaned itself somehow
  • A wearable bubble to stop you getting ill before a holiday/Christmas or if someone talks to you on a train – would be nice if it floated a bit too
  • A slap silly device where i could just press a button and someone was magically slapped silly, like Donald Trump to pick a name completely at random.

I could be good at maybe one thing but i’m basically mediocre at everything…at best.

I could be good at maybe one thing but i’m basically mediocre at everything…at best.

Which would be fine except what I really want is to be a good mum.

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